Recovery
by theroyalladybug
Summary: Kylo Ren struggles to become Ben again. Snippets of his return to the Light Side. Reylo.
1. Chapter 1

When you finally give into the Light, it hurts more than any wound you have ever received.

You cannot put your pain into words.

 _Try. Please...just try._

You feel like you have been hollowed out-all of your energy, passion, fury have been scooped out of your legs, stomach, arms. You feel like you are collapsing in on yourself, like you cannot breath, like you are in a constant state dying.

And then there is the wanting. The Dark Side is breathing down your neck, just waiting for you to admit that you cannot live on Light alone. Power, pulsing delicious power is right _there_ , and it would be so _easy-_

Everybody expects you too. Poe, Finn, Chewie ( he used to carry you on his shoulders) all want to kill you. The rebels stop talking when you walk by- not out of respect or fear, the way you became accustomed to- they are too angry to think, much less speak when they see you, the murderer, alive. They think you are lying, that you were a ship-jumping rat. They would have respected you more if you had died Kyllo Ren instead of trying to become Ben again. Finn argues with Rey- _he's not safe, how can you forget, he's going to hurt you, kill us all, please leave_. He thinks you will fall again. Everyone does.

 _Not your mother. Not Luke. Not me._

There is the guilt as well.

You do not even know how many people you killed. Over eleven million if you include the deaths you ordered.

The Dark Side shielded you from their deaths.

The Light Side forces them down your throat.

The padawans, who thought they could persuade you to stop.

The villagers who tried to run away.

That young pilot who had spoken out of turn.

The captured rebel girl who worked up the courage to spit on him.

Han So-father.

There is no rest from the guilt. Even in sleep, your father touches your face and you hear your mother scream through the Force. Rey sobbing. Chewbacca wailing.

They would stop screaming if you went back to the Dark Side.

 _We would still scream, you just would not hear it._

Still. You could sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

She does not love you, and you certainly do not love her.

Despite what Finn (the storm trooper that strayed) thinks, she did not save you because she suffered from a romantic delusion.

She pulled your body from the wreckage, forced a Resistance medic to tend to your wounds, and is currently sleeping in the chair across from your hospital bed because she promised Luke and your mother that she would.

She twitches her nose when she sleeps.

Well mannered, as Light as they come, and brilliant with a wrench.

She's the daughter your mother always wanted. The student Luke always craved.

The Jedi the galaxy needs.

You scoff.

She stirs, but does not wake. A strand of of hair falls across her face. It rises and falls with her breath.

She is the first person to be relaxed around you in years. Even as a teenager, your father would tense when you entered the room. You made your mother uneasy, too. She just disguised it better.

And then, when you became Kylo, nobody relaxed around you. Nobody dared so much as to even slouch when you were in the other room.

The respect glossed with fear- there's nothing like it.

Rey snores.

You sigh.

She does not love you. And you certainly do not love her.

And yet-

Rey rubs the sleeps from her eyes and peers at you from the chair.

"Hello, Ben." She clears her throat. "Sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep. Are you alright? Did you have any attacks?"

She's sitting up now leaning towards you, worry radiating from every pore in her body.

And yet.


	3. Chapter 3

On Wednesdays, Rey comes over and forces you to play Dejarik with her. She's only just learned, and she's practicing with you.

"Why?" You asked, the first time.

"Nobody ever taught me." She forces a smile.

"I meant-" You clear your throat, "Why are you playing with me?"

"I'm tired of losing." This smile is genuine and sheepish. " Finn, Poe, Chewie...they don't just beat me, they _destroy_ me. So, you're going to help me become the greatest Dejarik master the galaxy has ever seen."

"And these are the words of the Jedi prodigy?" You smirk, " Your ambition is much better-"

"Ben."

"Sorry."

She bites her lip when she plays.

She's still fascinated by the holograms. It's old tech, but Jakku was not known for being modern.

You like the way she smiles when she thinks she's about to beat you.

One day, she takes down your defenses and wins. She actually screams in delight.

Laughing, she asks you if she's ready to challenge Chewbacca to a rematch.

" It's not wise to upset a Wookie" Your fathers words spill out of your mouth without your permission, "Might pull your arms out of their sockets."

You focus on the neon holograms of reptilian creatures. "You should go."

She doesn't.


	4. Chapter 4

Uncle Luke dies.

He did not die fighting, which is a surprise to everyone. There was no war, no villain, no one he protected.

There are no signs of illness or cardiac failure. He was just dead.

It seems the Jedi Master simply decided it was time to leave.

You wait for the sadness to hit you. It does not. Instead, you are filled from head to toe with an unshakeable calmness.

Your mother gives a speech to those who will listen. It's a good speech. She is funny at the right moments, sad when she needs to be sad, and ultimately uses her brother's death as means to promote democracy and the Light.

Later on that night, you observer her watching a hologram of the three of them. She is in the center (as always). Han and Luke flank her, wearing medallions. They are young, uncomplicated, in love, and _happy_. Your mother feels your presence and turns to look at you. She isn't shielding her emotions at all; she all but flings them at you through the Force.

Sadness. Nostalgia. Anger. Disappointment. Heartbreak. Frustration. Grief.

But your calmness is an impermeable layer to these emotions, the _right_ emotions, the Light emotions. The Dark never let you feel grief over death, just anger. You do not feel anger either.

You have to leave. You hear her sob as you run out of the compound.

You try to be sad- you walk through the base and summon up all the memories you have of Luke. Of being loved, of being overlooked in the name of impartiality, of fights, of family dinners- it all rushes towards you, and yet there is no sadness or anger.

Maybe Rey is wrong. Maybe there is no such thing as a full recovery from the Dark. Maybe, no matter how hard you try, your heart will stay stone.

Forget the Dark. Forget the Light. Nobody else ever has to pick a side. You should just leave, become a farmer, and live the rest of your days alone. That is what stone-hearted people should do, right?

You're in front of Rey's door. You did not realize that you were walking there.

You go in to tell her your horrible truth and your decision. The door is not locked.

She's sitting on the edge of her bed laughing. Luke is there- blue and transparent, but he is there. He turns to you, smiles, and dissapears. You sit down next to her. When someone is as Force-sensitive as Rey, greetings are frivolous.

"When Leia told me what had happened," She glances at you, "The Light gave me such a sensation of peace."

You say nothing.

"Your lack of grief does not mean you have failed." A small smile, "It means you have succeeded. Only a true Jedi understands that death is never the end."

It is not until she wipes your face with her sleeve that you realize you are crying.


	5. Chapter 5

It is raining when your mother leaves.

She used to go away on business trips, for weeks at a time. She would hug you, and you would burrow into her neck. She always wore the same perfume. The same perfume as her mother. A perfume that ceased being made after Alderaan was destroyed.

When she would come back, she would kiss you before she kissed your father. She would ask to see your drawings, and when you were a little bit older, your homework.

It is raining when your mother leaves.

You used to ask to come with her, and she would stroke his hair, and say it wasn't safe. Sometimes, after she came back, she would cry and hug you. Stroke your hair. Rub your back. Whisper how much she loved you. How important it was to stay safe.

It is raining when your mother leaves.

Sometimes, after she came back, she would snap at you. Your father would give her a look, but as soon as he saw her eyes tearing up, he would ask you to leave. You would eavesdrop on them later.

"It's never going to be over, Han" She would say, "The war never really ended."

As you got older, your father stopped contradicting her.

It is raining when your mother leaves.

Business, as usual. She's going to tour a few moons to help re-establish their public health organizations. Small scale for a General.

There are so many wrinkles on her face.

She tells you where and when she's going as if you are a soldier being briefed on a mission.

You nod.

She awkwardly wraps her arms around you, and by instinct, your nose searches for her perfume.

It isn't there.

You mention this to her, and her wrinkles deepen.

"It was a gift from-" She clears her throat, " It seems wrong to wear it now."

You want to ask when she'll come back. If she'll come back.

The rain begins to fall. Your mother walks towards the door, you turn away, and then-

"I wasted so much time." She blurts out.

You look at her.

"With your father." She leans against the doorframe, "And you. It took us ages to admit our feelings. And when we were married, and when we had you- I was so focused on preserving you. Keeping you both away from it all. I missed so much."

"You were doing your best." You wonder if you should comfort her. You wonder how you comfort someone whose happiness you destroyed.

"Just-" She sighs, "Don't push away Rey."

"Rey?"

She raises her eyebrows, and for a beautiful moment you are her son and she is your mother who knows you better than you do.

Rey cries when your mother steps onto the Millennium Falcon. You put your arm around her shoulder, and you see your mother smile.


End file.
